Superbowl Survival: How to Cope With Sports A.D.D.

I was born without the sports-watching gene. Without a father figure or brothers around during my teenage years to nurture a passion for football, baseball, or anything in between, something in me failed to thrive. I’ve always played sports, but I can’t sit down and watch them, or keep track of what is going on.

Boston is a die-hard sports town. There’s no room for people like me; we either buy a bunch of Red Sox apparel and try to blend in to the screaming crowds, or keep our mouths shut, for fear that some sober person at the game will notice we really have no idea what we are doing. I truly want the Celtics/Sox/Patriots/Bruins to win. I feel the love, but I just… can’t… care.

I’ve tried to educate myself. Most of my attempts revolved around the guys I was dating at the time and what sports they were into. When I was dating an American, it was baseball. A Canadian, hockey. A Mexican, soccer. I learned terms, favorite players, and which teams to despise. I promptly forgot all of these things within several weeks of the relationship ending. Nothing sticks.

After many years of feigning interest, I’m finally comfortable admitting to friends that I have Sports ADD. The Patriots are going to the Superbowl next week. I will watch. I will try to find space in my brain to understand what a blitz is. If you share my affliction, and I hope someone out there does, this might help get you through Superbowl Sunday:

The Food: 

Invest yourself in the food. Offer to make something. Offer to make TWO somethings. People will be so in love with your 27-layer dip they won’t even notice that you asked what team Tebow plays on, in your quiet I-don’t-know-anything-about-football-but-I’ve-just-had-three-beers voice. You can hover over the food table as long as you want cause you don’t care if you miss a few plays. You’ll hear the outcome eventually. That guacamole is not going to eat itself.

Find a Friend:

If you are watching with a group of 5 or more, chances are there is someone else in the room that is on your level. Find this person. Move closer. You can share what limited knowledge you have of the sport with each other. Once that runs dry, you can laugh together at how funny the players look in slow motion re-runs, with their muscles jiggling all over the world. No one else is laughing about that.

Commericals:

Don’t need to say much about this, they are always the best. Most of my passwords in high school and college were based off of quotes from Superbowl commercials. If there was a Superbowl Commercial Bee I would be so into it.

Loss-Management:

If your team loses, heaven forbid, your friends and family are going to be pretty broken up. You may feel a tinge of sadness, but these feelings will dissipate once you realize you may have to spend another hour or more in a room full of depressed people. Put your expendable energy to good use and be the party pep squad. Have a great game on hand, I recommend Telestrations. Or have the next rendition of “Shit Girls Say” buffered and ready to go.

And remember, when you are cheering for an interception two seconds behind everyone else, you aren’t alone.