For the last seven years, I’ve supplemented my income as a bartender. Despite having a full-time job in publishing, I don’t see myself tossing in the towel anytime soon. The cash is too easy, I get to wear hoop earrings, and it’s the safest way to judge drunk people. I’ll continue until I’m too old and ugly to work in the service industry, which gives me about another five years.
When you order a drink, I judge you. Here is a list of common personality traits and characteristics I’ve observed based off of drink orders:
Stella: You are foreign.. or are trying to appear to be.
Heineken: You are black.. or are trying to appear to be.
Malibu & Coke: You vomit easily.
Vodka Cran: You don’t know what you want in life, or at this bar.
Patron: Danger. I am adding gratuity to your check.
Margarita: Anyone who drinks sour mix from a spray gun is an amateur, or underage.
Gin & Tonic: $$$
Vodka & Tonic: We could be friends.
Long Island Ice Tea: You just broke up with your boyfriend and have chosen tonight as the night you will “move on”.
Foreign Beer: You are on a 2nd or 3rd date, trying to impress the girl with your cultured taste for Turkish pilsner.
Cosmo: For the love of God, hurry up and finish the 6th season of Sex & The City.
Red Bull & Vodka: You are an asshole.
Pino Grigio: You are approaching menopause faster than you think.
Pino Noir: You don’t really go to bars.
Moscato: You listen to too much rap.
Gran Marnier: What are you doing here?
Scotch: You will probably tip me well and tell me I remind me of your daughter after you check out my bum.
Vodka Martini: You had a serious day at work, or you are a functional alcoholic.
Whiskey: You are cool. If you try to get my number I won’t be too offended.
Bud Light: You are driving.
Budweiser: You are driving drunk.